the cave i found

Just write? Hm, this is kind of nice. I feel like I’ve finally found that cave I’ve always searched for. The dark cave that possesses a water source of which the water is healing, its properties magical in effect. The kind of cave that envelopes you like warmth, darkness, safety, or an eternal calm would. And the benefits don’t end there. No one can find me here. They walk right by me and don’t even know I’m here. My thoughts are muffled and completely alone. But not forgotten, the walls of my cave absorb them. My words serve to strengthen the walls which now surround me. I think it will be really nice to come and go from here. Maybe stay for a long time, sometime.

remembering joy

there were free’er days, it seems. when a largeness of smallness and newness abounded. when your own reality was so real. why do we choose to diverge from such places? or is the choice not ours? because i can’t help but feel as though it isn’t my choice at all. should i blame the person closest to me or someone i can’t see? no, i wouldn’t choose now what i chose before if i knew how unfree i’d be. my innermost being longs for adventure–big or small. i’m an adventurist at heart and without that nourishment i’m afraid to see my fate. i fear for myself without freedom.

i just wonder if there isn’t something i can do in the meantime? how do i harness what i once had, what i once was, so that i can bring it along with me? what would my past self even say to me now?

hard questions. can’t answer them now. today, nothing except the rain has come to my rescue.

help me help you

could you face the decision? could you look people in the eyes and be so confident and without doubt you made the right choice?

no, it’s not at that point. i have major concerns over so many things. i am entangled in a thick web of issues that are all connected. like one of the massive yarn entanglements i run into ever-so-often. when it seems like there will be no way out of it, and i have just about reached the point of cutting the line there are a couple methods i can employ which usually help. one is the constant use of mantra. that mantra being: it is all connected. every little tiny knot. knot after knot that make it seem like 10 million pieces tied together are actually just one strand. constant reminder of this brings ease and comfort. it makes the burden of the uncorrigable mess lighter, allowing me to let go of the frustration and worry, remembering that it is as whole now as it will be when i have smoothed out every knot. everything is there for me if i can find the patience and state of mind which enables one to unravel such challenges.

the strand will always remain whole unless you cut it. so what does this say for the challenge you face now?

well, i could step away and find the peace i need to pull it apart. however, this is one web that will take a lifetime to unravel. the strand is long. so long that there are knots you can’t even see and pulling one out now creates a thousand more somewhere else. they don’t go away. there are periods of time when it is smooth-knitting, so to speak. but inevitably, we run into another knot that slows our progress and makes us wait. makes us sit there and pull and prod at it until we’ve gotten through it enough to continue on but meanwhile what do we do with the yarn we’ve just freed from the greater knot? we create a piece of work with it. those knots we tie intentionally are tied forever. those knots are not forgotten but become one more in the countless number we have been adding to our piece of work. and thus, the whole remains the whole. whether it is without knot and lying straight, rolled in a ball, knitted together to make a piece of art, or all tangled up the whole is the whole.

पूर्णमदः पूर्णमिदं Pūrṇam adaḥ pūrṇam idam, That is whole, this is whole
पूर्णात् पूर्णमुदच्यते Pūrṇāt pūrṇam udacyate, From the whole, the whole arises[1]
पूर्णस्य पूर्णमादाय Pūrṇasya pūrṇam ādāya, When the whole is taken from the whole
पूर्णमेवावशिष्यते Pūrṇam evāvasiṣyate, The whole still will remain.

looking

Did I make a mistake, giving in to a dream? An ideal has great power to dull the forseeable consequences of reality. Or perhaps it is the power of the immediate. Either way, what am I supposed to do now? I’m not sure I can handle the sour reality that has become of a hope.

I have never been so desperate for an answer to a question only I can answer.

rain dancing to songs of fate

the human circle we’d call it. like the native americans did. gather all the humans of the earth into a circle and have a rain dance. to make it rain and let the rain come down. to join hands and use our collective energy for something bigger than ourselves, all together. to realize all at once where the road we’re on goes and turn a corner.

mark my words.

the world can’t even be saved by what’s real anymore. humanity is suffering a contagion of confusion and lost spirit. genius has been convicted into silence and truth has no origins. the couple people with all the money left at the end will win. just like how we played as kids. unless someone does something, something big. like knock the board over. the course of unwritten history needs a kick in the plot-lined ass. a hard, swift kick with the shoelaces of some metaphorical tidal wave’s shoe. no one will wake up from their dollar seeking slumber until the dollar no longer needs to be sought.

that’s where i need to go. where on earth is there a value system i can believe in and rely on? that’s where i’m going. and don’t you dare answer that question. i already have. you can come if you want. see for yourself. doubt is a fool’s friend. and i have a little time left.

Don’t Deconstruct

In honor of our divinity, I strive to do what’s best. To do what I feel is needed. But there are so many days to keep track of. And yesterday seems so far away.

I can’t even reach out and touch it. Sleep detaches me and dreams become me. The intermission of night becomes the play of day. If my days were dreams, then I could finally sleep.

something is changing inside of me
colors seem darker in light
and i don’t know what that means
but it’s not a good sign
you can just add them up then you could memorize prehistoric bones
all of those old memories you can push them out and prep yourself for brand new information
don’t deconstruct and then fill me in
i’m not that basic i swear
i’ve had enough of break downs and diagrams

Present life seems a stagnant bog but something below me stirs. There is a churning underneath and its making its way forth. Whether crocodile or oxygen bubble, I will spring into action out of pure anticipation. Just knowing I don’t know but knowing it’s there.

As an experienced seeker of truth, you know you must find it in the movement. If you seek it in yourself, take action–move, and it will find you.

bare, raw and essential

that’s how i prefer everything. not just food as those descriptions are typically so relied on for. but yes, food as well as conversations, friends, concepts, humor, theories, constructs, ideas, love, information.

If its not; You name it for me and I will think it out of existence. Yes, usually you think things into existence. Whether you notice your power of manifestion or not. I have this habit practice of thinking things out of existence. For those of you not familiar with this, its much harder. Scientifically, certain changes made to matter cannot be undone. A fried egg can NEVER again be egg white and yoke. Its state is altered permanently. This is what I’m talking about. It drives me and everyone I know crazy but I will literally spend time and brain energy trying to think that fried egg back into the egg shell, so to speak.

Reverse it, unravel it, strip it bare. Until it’s nothing and I need it.

It’s all the leap year’s fault.