The brightest Stones make the brightest Beach

All I have is a song. Luckily, it’s one of my favorites. It’s by The Bees. I would love if it could just play softly in the background from the sky wherever I went.

Fits of uncontrollable laughter for reasons completely unidentifiable. They often tend to occur to me when I am ordering food from a drive-through window. Why there, I don’t know. But I love when it happens and it certainly can’t be stopped when it does. However in a drive-through there’s no where to pull over and I’m committed as I’ve already initiated the order. So it takes about 5 minutes of what must sound to the person inside like a bad radio signal as I come in and out of the laughter I’m hiding in my car. The random release of joy always know when to overtake me and its always at what you want to call the worst times but really just might be the perfect times….in a meeting, ordering in the drive-through, in an argument with my husband. I have to trust my joy as a higher intelligence.

What´s this game that your playing? When you stand out of reach
Do your sums before you run. The brightest stones make the brightest beach
This town´s got nothing for me; Cheap shots and bad jewelery
Just want to be where everyone´s free
Lemonade on the sidewalk. Gives us time to talk
In a great big place. Season to season with the moon and it´s reasons
This town´s got nothing for me; Cheap shots and bad jewelery
Just want to be where everyone´s free






If it could just stay…I don’t mean to push you out…and definitely don’t mean to let others push you out. But even when its gone I know its there….just waiting for the perfect, worse moment to shine through.


From There To Here In An Evening

Ah, such a sigh of my relief. You smooth my wrinkled thoughts with your hot iron of words strung together. And the steam generated by the exchange. You see it dispersed. I will always love your charisma. It’s pleasing to all my senses. Like the best kind of theater show.

We grow from the same tree. We grow in opposite directions of one another but are branches of the same trunk, same roots. Two like charges are repelled from one another by nature. Incredible things happen when you force them together. When two protons are forced to combine, they no longer need as much of their energy and that extra mass is released with great force as energy. This, I believe, is a beautifully cosmic example of what happens between you and I. We are the same.

I desire to know where our static energy will be stable. Toward which pole?

As once the winged energy of delight
carried you over childhood’s dark abysses,
now beyond your own life build the great
arch of unimagined bridges.
Wonders happen if we can succeed
in passing through the harshest danger;
but only in a bright and purely granted
achievement can we realize the wonder.
To work with Things in the indescribable
relationship is not too hard for us;
the pattern grows more intricate and subtle,
and being swept along is not enough.
Take your practiced powers and stretch them out
until they span the chasm between two
contradictions…For the god
wants to know himself in you.
-Rainer Maria Rilke

woe to thee

If a complete stranger and I found ourselves, for whatever reason, sitting face to face with no where else to look, even in our minds, but to one another; right now, I’d burst with tears. All formalities skipped already, I’d just say “Giving up is not an option.” Then I’d cry harder. I’d hope for words so insightful from what I’d hope was this random person’s seeing soul. Conclusive, short and guiding words so we could just sit for the rest of our time there while I cry.

We aren’t seeing things in any manner similar to each other’s views. It’s difficult to tell you without being harsh and heavily critical. But you are so confused inside that it hurts me. I wouldn’t take it to heart if I didn’t make a commitment to you that makes everything you say, do and are a direct reflection of me and who I am…/am not. How can you not see how damaging you are to people you love just to protect yourself? It makes me wonder what the point of all of this really is because I know this is not getting us anywhere. Accept yourself and be a man. You are bringing us all down and I can’t take the hurt forever.

This needs to be addressed now before we venture on. So that I want to with you. The past exists at times more strongly than the present. And right now its not allowing a future to form. I want to move on somehow. I need to move on somehow.

Dear Dear,

I’ll write you a letter so you can’t interject and you don’t have to hide. I’ll begin by asking you: What are we here for, if not to grow? Be aware not to disillusion yourself with things you cannot control. There is nothing here you should fear and nothing wrong with not knowing. The fortress you’ve built to protect you will only bring you down, now. I am not here for nothing. I would be gone if it weren’t for you. The more scared you become, our thoughts ever-tangle and we fall, unable to catch ourselves. I know you and I see you but you make it very hard to. Can you free yourself? If you can’t, no one can. Accept your fears as you would friends in your house. Until their presence no longer changes you and you are made stronger for not resisting. Your resistance will only make you tired and you will utlimately lose your battle. You need that strength for things you can’t even dream of. Free yourself and you will see! You will be better as you.

which words?

What is it going to be? I have this unsatisfactory habit of, what I want to call, a reliance on others for my happiness. I want to call it that but if I know if I were alone I would be completely happy. So I think the habit is actually an inability to disassociate my state of being from that of those around me. Thereby never really feeling my own emotions and never knowing what I really need.

Today is different, granted, because well, let’s just say that physically, I’m at a disadvantage. But still. At times its felt like one of those days you really don’t care to remember too much about and yet every response I make to an incoming address I rethink after I’ve made. As if I could have said better or it was actually important enough to think about. Why, if it’s just one of those days? Just respond and move on. Today, it seems I need 5 minutes for what usually requires 5 seconds. Not a very conducive ratio to anything human interaction oriented.

Something aside from my current physical weakness is keeping me really unfree and unsatisfied. What is it and when will I be released?? That question I suppose should wait for a better day.

I’ve shut the door so my head can rest.